Introduction
People pleasers are those who put the needs of others before their own. This can be a positive trait when it comes to being kind and generous, but it can also lead to unhealthy habits of sacrificing your own needs in order to make others happy. People pleasers tend to be conflict-averse and may not know how to say “no” or set boundaries, leaving them feeling exhausted and resentful. It’s important to learn how to stop being a people pleaser in order to live a healthier, happier life.
Set Boundaries
The first step in learning how to stop being a people pleaser is to set clear boundaries. This means deciding what you are and aren’t willing to do for others and then communicating these limits to the people in your life. According to therapist Dr. Nikki Martinez, “Setting boundaries is key to any healthy relationship. Without boundaries, we run the risk of becoming overwhelmed, taken advantage of, and even abused.”
Clarify Your Limits
Start by taking some time to think about what you’re comfortable doing and where your limits lie. Don’t be afraid to be honest with yourself and to acknowledge that you don’t have to do everything that someone asks of you. Consider factors like your energy level, values, and goals when making this decision.
Stand By Them
Once you’ve set your boundaries, it’s important to stick to them. This can be difficult if you’re used to people-pleasing, but it’s essential to practice saying “no” in order to protect your own wellbeing. Be confident in your decision and remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. As Dr. Martinez says, “Your ‘no’ should be enough.”
Practice Saying “No”
Learning to say “no” is a crucial part of breaking the habit of people-pleasing. It can be uncomfortable at first, but with practice, it will get easier over time. Start small and work up to more difficult requests as you become more comfortable.
Start Small
If you’re just starting out, begin with simpler requests that you feel comfortable declining. For example, if a friend invites you to an event that you’re not interested in, practice politely declining and sticking to your decision. Remember that it’s OK to say “no” and that you don’t have to explain yourself.
Work Up to More Difficult Requests
As you become more comfortable saying “no”, try tackling bigger requests. This could mean turning down invitations to social events, saying “no” to favors, or refusing to take on additional responsibilities. It can be intimidating at first, but it’s important to stay firm and trust that you’re making the right decision for yourself.
Prioritize Self-Care
Another key part of learning how to stop being a people pleaser is to prioritize your own wellbeing. This means understanding your own needs and taking the time to meet them without sacrificing your own health and happiness.
Don’t Overextend Yourself
One of the most common pitfalls of people pleasing is overextending yourself. You might find yourself taking on too many tasks or responsibilities, or putting the needs of others before your own. It’s important to take a step back and evaluate your commitments. If something feels like too much, it probably is, so don’t be afraid to say “no” or ask for help.
Meet Other People’s Needs Without Sacrificing Your Own
It’s also important to remember that meeting the needs of others doesn’t have to come at the expense of your own. Make sure to set aside time for yourself and to practice self-care in order to maintain your own wellbeing. According to psychotherapist Dr. Sarah Schewitz, “Self-care is essential for people pleasers. It helps to remind you that your needs matter too.”
Know Your Worth
People pleasing often comes from a place of low self-esteem and a need for approval from others. It’s important to remind yourself of your own self-worth and to recognize that your value isn’t dependent on what other people think of you.
Remind Yourself of Your Value
Take the time to reflect on your strengths and accomplishments and to remind yourself of your worth. Remind yourself that you don’t need to please everyone in order to be accepted and that it’s OK to make mistakes. As Dr. Schewitz says, “You don’t need to be perfect in order to be worthy of love and respect.”
Don’t Let Others Define It for You
It’s also important to remember that your value isn’t defined by what other people think of you. If someone criticizes you or rejects your request, don’t take it personally. It’s OK to disagree with someone and to express your opinion without feeling guilty or ashamed.
Identify the Root Cause
In order to stop being a people pleaser, it’s important to identify the root cause of your behavior. This could be anything from a fear of rejection to a need for approval. Once you understand why you’re engaging in this behavior, you can start to take steps to address the underlying issue.
Fear of Rejection
For some people, people pleasing can be a way to avoid rejection. If this is the case, it’s important to practice self-compassion and to remind yourself that it’s OK to make mistakes and that you don’t have to be perfect in order to be accepted. As therapist Dr. LeslieBeth Wish says, “Understand that you cannot control other people’s reactions or feelings about you. You can only control your own thoughts and actions.”
Need for Approval
Some people may engage in people pleasing because they’re seeking approval from others. If this is the case, it’s important to focus on building self-confidence and to remind yourself that your worth isn’t dependent on what other people think of you. As Dr. Wish says, “Focus on developing your own sense of worth—not the opinions of others.”
Seek Support
Breaking the habit of people pleasing can be difficult, and it’s important to have a support system in place to help you through it. Talking to a friend, family member, or therapist can be a great way to get started. They can help you create an action plan and provide encouragement when you need it.
Talk to a Friend or Therapist
Talking to someone you trust can be a great way to get started. They can provide perspective and help you develop an action plan to break the habit of people pleasing. If needed, you can also seek professional help from a therapist who can provide guidance and support.
Create an Action Plan
Once you’ve identified the root cause of your people pleasing, create an action plan to address it. This could include things like setting boundaries, practicing saying “no”, and prioritizing self-care. Having a plan in place can help you stay focused and motivated.
Conclusion
People pleasing can be a difficult habit to break, but it’s possible with the right tools and support. Start by setting boundaries, practicing saying “no”, and prioritizing self-care. Remember to remind yourself of your own worth and to seek support when needed. With a little effort, you can break the cycle of people pleasing and start living a healthier, happier life.
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